The Reed Doctor: Crowsectomy
Bassoon Digital Professor #64

<music: excerpt from bassoon solo in Shostakovich's 9th Symphony, Fifth movement.>

REED DOCTOR: What can I do for you today?

MRS. DONAX: Our little reed Arundo just hasn't developed a crow. We are concerned because all the 
other little reeds his age have crows. 

REED DOCTOR: Let me see Arundo. Open wide. 

ARUNDO: <Little pathetic noise>

MR. DONAX: See Doctor, no crow! What can be done? 

MRS. DONAX: <Sobbing slightly> Please Doctor, help little Arundo! He needs his crow in order to 
perform the Rite of Spring.

REED DOCTOR: Well, I think given his age and the condition of his throat, he's going to need a 

MALE NURSE: Crowsectomy?

FEMALE NURSE: Crowsectomy?

NURSE HATCHET:  Crowsectomy!

DONAX FAMILY: Crowsectomy?

REED DOCTOR. Yes, crowsectomy. 

NURSE HATCHET: Can we use the hatchet? 

REED DOCTOR: No nurse, we only use the hatchet for sarrusophone reeds. 

NURSE HATCHET: Little Arundo is now asleep.

REED DOCTOR: OK, Let's begin the operation.



Plaque. Nurse, vital signs. 

FEMALE NURSE: Vital signs are rising. Metronome marking 100, Doctor. 


REED DOCTOR: Vital signs, nurse. 

FEMALE NURSE: Vital signs are rising, metronome marking 126. 

REED DOCTOR: Nippers. Vital signs, Nurse. 

FEMALE NURSE: Metronome marking 160 and rising.

REED DOCTOR: Knife, knife! File. Nurse, vital signs. 

FEMALE NURSE: Metronome marking 184.

REED DOCTOR: Water, water, reed water. If he goes over 200 he will go into hyper tonguing arrest. 

File. Nurse vital signs. 

FEMALE NURSE: Metronome marking over 200. 

REED DOCTOR: Water, water! No, towel, towel. Nurse, vital signs. 

FEMALE NURSE: The patient is in hypetonguing arrest, Doctor. 

<droning sound, A440>

REED DOCTOR: Quick, quick, nurse. Nurse Hatchet put on the Strauss! 

<music: Strauss "Death and Transfiguration," later portion.>